candy is a girl with good heart
candy is a girl who sacrifices for the one she loves a lot
candy is one of the person who makes me cry because she’s too nice
candy is sweet and candy is my sister
dear god, please put all the blessing upon her and make things easier for her.. for my candy
i have to face the fact that everyone is different ok.. i cannot expect them to support me when they think that my dreams are crazy (xlah sgt but because i have VERY few people yg believe i can do it, so it looks crazy.. padahal xde apa pun).. just need to mellow the excitement that i have.. need to learn to shut up when it comes to sharing dreams.. keep supporting people but never expect people to support me.. learn to be pessimistic about some things.. be harder on myself so that i dont have huge dreams (the lesser the "huge dreams" means lesser talking and sharing).. just be plain boring is so much better for me than having your family making that "whatever look".. the lesser the talking, the lesser the pain.. thats what the world is all about.. yeah rindu!
and just keep smiling=)
it’s been so long since i last came in this space where i can let out everything that’s been bothering me.. disturbed, depressed.. "where have u been missing?" is one of the questions that is not a stranger to me.. lately, i keep things to myself and i have been thinking way too much it freaks me out.. and i am being hard on mmyself.. man, i need to chill a little! why do i want what i want? i think i can’t get along with things but i have to.. its like u are stuck in a in a place where…………… shoot! i am lost in words expressing my feelings.. i think i am gonna crack like britney spears..
there’s a lot of things i learn in life as of this moment.. basically the capability of the emotions to run wild when facing difficulties and excitement.. the small little key that is very important that we tend to neglect is the power to control our emotions.. it may cause a fatal ending if u fail to control it but then again controlling emotions is not an easy thing to do..
i am just a normal human being who make mistakes, have big dreams of becoming a person with power, who cries, breaks people’s heart, be crazy and all the things OTHER human beings go through in life.. tell me who doesn’t make mistakes? as long as we consider ourself as a human being, we will always make mistakes.. and with all the never ending weaknesses of humans, i have to accept the fact that people have different view of everything.. sometimes, some people are just TOO BLIND TO SEE their own mistakes and keep on pointing finger to other people(p/s: quit bullshitting and grow up please)..
anyway, for everyone who’s reading this, its time for us to reflect ourselves and remember, THERE’S ALWAYS TWO SIDES OF EVERY STORY..
i am sorry for any mistakes done..
it is quite difficult to be in a situation where u need to keep on looking for a good cement to paste the crack of your confidence brick and at the same time trying hard to make a solid beautiful dream house of confidence when each few seconds people keep on crashing the bricks in every possible way they can.. its tough but what difference can it make if i decide to end up my life? i still have somewhere i belong and people to love and love me regardless of the insanity that happens to linger in my mind..
it is really important to have power to love… again and again… it is the love for everything…
죄송합니다. 린두는 오빠를 사랑해!
it has been a month that i am here in korea and i am going back a day after tomorrow.. a holiday plus baby-sitting oppa’s nephews.. first, i was in seoul for three days after i arrived in korea on the 8th of june and i went to gangneung(oppa’s hometown) and on the 20th june until now i am in seoul..
the first three days in seoul i stayed at haley’s house(oppa’s friend who became my friend when oppa started to approached me).. haley’s family is so nice.. her mom went looking for halal chicken for me but we didn’t manage to have lunch or dinner on any of those three days because we were busy going out.. hehe.. haley brought me to the nice and happening places where people always hang out.. thanx to haley for the treat and for bringing me around and for having me with you for the three days.. i hope your mom amd family like the souvenier that i gave =)
after three days, i went to oppa’s first sister’s house.. i met his parents for the first time.. i met his father first and i had been practicing a line to greet his parents but i was speechless.. and oppa was like,"greet my father!" in whisper.. and i greeted his father.. then i met his mom and i was greeting in whispers because i was scared of my wrong pronunciation(i experienced that with oppa.. i was saying something so confidently many times for few days and he had no reactions and i was mad because i thought he ignored me but then i found out that he thought i was making a joke to myself.. ?!!.. malu!).. and guess what? mak oppa ingat i called her grandma because if tak sebut betul2, akan bunyi macam panggilan grandma.. adoi!!!~ then, jumpa la juga nephew2 oppa.. well, very adorable the fisrt time.. wait till i continue my stories~~
after four hours drive, we reached gangneung.. bila masuk umah, jumpa oppa’s 2younger sisters(the youngest is a year older than me).. and oppa suruh adik dia(soo yeon, the youngest) pinjamkan baju to me(oppa suruh bawa baju sket je).. and after that oppa brought me to meet his best friends.. and the followin days pun oppa bawa jumpa kawan2 dia.. the first time meeting oppa’s friends, all i can say is "anyeong haseyo" and smile and keep quite.. after few days baru bley gelak2 wt them.. they are all trying hard to speak english to me and i find that really funny and i really2 aprreciate them.. and i give them english name because it’s hard for me to remember all their korean names.. there are full oppa, rich oppa, sexy oppa and handsome oppa(the closest to me).. thank you so much to all of them for spending money everyday for me =)
then, on the 20th of june, i went to seoul and had to delay my flight because i misplaced my ticket.. so, i stayed at oppa’s first sister’s house until today.. i call oppa’s sister unni(sister).. on the days, oppa’s father was suddenly diagnosed with stomach cancer and had to undergo an operation.. (and i delayed my flight until oppa’s father come out from hospital).. i also got to meet oppa’s second sister and her family who lives in chicago(maybe i will stay with them in US before or after i go to new york).. basically, i met whole of oppa’s family and most of his bestfriends=)
that was when i started baby-sitting full time.. unni’s sons were really good first time.. with their cleverness of discovering that i can’t speak korea, the bully begins, slowly.. at first they still listen to me, then they started mocking me and many more things that made me want to fry them alive!!!! oppa can’t save me everyday.. all i can do is to make oppa punish them.. but kids, they will do it again and again.. i think they find it kinda fun to bully me.. well guess what, it’s not you little rascals!!!! there were 5times in total that i cried while i was in korea(not including the times i was looking like a monster+lion of the tensed outcome with the kids!).. 1st time was in gangneung(kena marah ngan oppa), 2nd time coz oppa makan semua tembikai and and don’t give to me and the balance 3times are because of the little rascals!! the worst cry(i cried for 3hours in the hospital and my whole body got crammped) was few days ago when i went out to seoul art museum with soo yeon, her friend and the two little rascals.. then soo yeon has to send her friend back and asked me to bring the two kids back to hospital.. soo yeon dropped us off across the hospital where we have to cross to traffic lights.. after soo yeon left, the kids went wild and wanting to cross the street themselves running! i was scared of course so i hold the younger and he was shouting like hell and everybody was looking at me and i let him walked.. well, they didn’t walk, they ran! and suddenly a lorry and a car almost hit them(of course they are unaware of the situations!).. i was terrified, so i called their names in stern voice,"kim jun ee, kim gyu re!!!".. and jun ee was laughing and he thought it was funny and i hold gyu re and yes he was shouting his voice out! the terrified and angry feeling mixed and i can feel the burn in my body.. i walked so fast sort of trying to leave them behind(but the faster i walked, the faster they ran).. and i sent them to oppa and i went to sixth floor of the hospital(where we always sit to feel the air) and i was crying so loud i couldn’t care about the people around me.. then oppa came, i ran away to 3rd floor and continued crying and oppa came to me again when i was back in the 6th floor.. i told oppa everything and he punished the kids(haha! evil laugh! but it won’t do any good.. it will only be for few minutes,"sorry imo(they called me imo)".. and oppa was so angry to the kids and told soo yeon and his mom and unni.. soo yeon came afterwards and apologize to me(not her fault that the kids is naughty).. and unni came after she finished working and hugged me while apologizing to me on behalf of the kids and telling me that she is always thankful to me for taking care of her kids with my time here.. then unni brought us to an expensive buffet place to treat me.. oppa said,"my sister brought us here because you cried 3hours.. tomorrow, you have to cry 6hours ok?".. haha.. oppa, oppa..
now, dah nak balik dah.. well, i don’t hate the kids, i just don’t like their devil sides.. but kids are devil most of the time right? hmm.. i thank oppa’s mom, dad, and all his sisters and sisters’ family for taking me to all the fun and nice places on the weekends.. for taking care of me while i’m here in korea.. sorry omma that i cannot eat the beef and chicken that you cooked for me.. thank you again and i will learn korean language soon(oppa is not a good teacher;p).. the sign language+still talking to me in korean language with oppa’s parents and oppa’s family and friends tought me to understand the language a little bit.. and it has made me realized how much i miss my mother.. mak, i love you!!!!
im coming home!.. before i leave again~
im upset with almost everything!!!!!!!!!!!!! my life! my skin! my emotional eating disorder! my fat ass! my graduation! pretty much, bloody everything! i don’t like to smile.. no, i HATE smiling! and yes, nobody understands so don’t fu**king tell me that you understand! and yes i am different from whom i used to be! SO WHATTTTTTTTTTT????!!!!!!! it’s my damn life!!!!!!!!!! i feel really sick! oh ok, i should feel sick of myself! here you go, im sick of myself!!!!!!!!!!
kids should be tought to do things since small.. i hate it when kids spill something or hit someone and the responses are,"oh, they’re just kids" or "they must be really sleepy for being grumpy".. and so, they will go up to be like that! just because they’re kids and still small, you can’t teach them how to respect people and ettiqutte? damn!!!!!!!!
and just because i have wanted to do things that i have been wanting to do, i am a bad person? im sick and tired of people judging a person from what they wear and what they think!!!!!!!!!!
say whatever you wanna say ok but so u know, its my f**king blog anyway!!!!!!! i feel like killing someone.. or killing myself is better?
**im really pissed off with the unknown now! sumpah kepala sakit gila and i just need to write and let out! and so, tears dropping from my eyes but i just wanna write to let it out, the mix emotions that i dunno.. i really don’t know.. ya allah**
argh!!! dammit!!! i hate this self conflict that im facing!! i should be having fun here in korea but im having this self conflict while having fun in korea and its killing me!!!!!!!!!! the more i love oppa the more i see the impossibilities of us being together! religion matter and diff culture is really too heavy for me.. why am i facing all this things in my life?!!!!!!! kan bagus kalau semua org kat dunia ni org islam.. xyah la pening kepala.. and oppa pun mesti pk kan bagus kalau semua org kat dunia ni org christian so that xde masalah pasal marriage issue between us.. im not the chosen one to marry someone that is not muslim yet.. argh!!!! sakit kepala!!!!
betul betul tak faham kenapa org tak reply messages and inquiries when we really really need it.. i mean people don’t just inquire something that they don’t need, do they? there are many ways to get to inform someone that we’re not capable of helping them or we don’t have the information that they need.. i think it’s really bad if they don’t find ways to get back to that person.. is free reply expensive? is few cents costly? i may have done this to some people.. im so sorry if i ever did and not realizing it..
